Journeying from Grief to Grace Part I
There was a promise, that I so desired to obtain. One that was only possible through Him. But I had to want it and desired it so immensely that I would fight for it and go to the ends of the earth in the hopes that I would.
For the last 40 years it has sat under the surface, stealing my peace, my health and the ability to truly see myself as the daughter of the Almighty King. To recognize that my identity is in Him and not the victim that I was.
So in early 2022, when I cried out in desperation “Tell me what to do and I will do it.” God heard and literally took my word for it. Because suffering had become more than just a heavy cross to carry, that I believed I had to willingly accept. This cross was crushing me.
I didn’t have the strength to carry it any more. It wasn’t mine to carry and Jesus certainly didn’t desire for me to carry it either. It was never His plan for me. His plan for me was interrupted by the abuse I received from other people. But through His mercy and love for me even the deepest wounds can be healed and turned into something holy and good that glorifies the Lord.
The trauma that I had experienced had left me numb, feeling like an empty shell of the person I had never had the chance to be. I struggled to know who I was and I would often go from feeling completely numb and needing to feel pain to feeling so incredibly overwhelmed with pain (that I had no idea where it was coming from) that I would often dissociate or find other ways to numb it.
Abuse and trauma had shattered the very core of who I am. The damage it had caused was not something that I could just “snap out of” or think “positive thoughts” with a side of anti-anxiety and antidepressants.
My soul was suffering. I was bleeding all over the place. I was trapped in my body that constantly betrayed me. My memories were buried so deep they were blurry or were not there at all. And while I myself couldn’t remember for a very long time, one thing was certain: my body sure did.
My heart and soul remembered.
And God knew. He is my witness.
Every time I received abuse, Jesus Christ was right next to me. I was never alone. In fact, He was in me, receiving the abuse against me and He has been patiently waiting for me to turn to Him, in complete truth, seeking to be healed.
People have prayed for my healing for years. But I had to be the one who truly wanted it and ask for it. I had to be willing to do the hard work and to persevere, to stay in the fight on the battle field. I had suffered for so long and the enemy wasn’t going to easily allow me to work on the process of healing.
My wounds had become convenient for a lot of people and the enemy liked that. He wanted me to stay exactly where I was. Because where I was, wasn’t going to get me to where I so desired to be (with our Lord).
These wounds that I had been carrying around for decades, had built up a wall around my heart and between God and myself. It was preventing me from having an authentic and intimate relationship with Jesus Christ. And if I think that I desire intimacy with Him, He desires it for me even more so.
To heal, to really begin my journey of healing, I was going to have to surrender and give God my biggest “fiat”. This was it. All or nothing. I had to be all in and ready to go where ever He was sending me. I had to trust. And I did.
Just days before Christmas of 2022, God presented me with an opportunity that He and I both knew I couldn’t refuse. I was where He needed me to be. As new memories were beginning to surface, I was struggling with knowing what the next steps forward should be. I received my answer almost immediately.